Minor Irritants: Some of the things I hate right now

A Jen Gerson meditation on the annoyances of modern life.

Every Christmas, when The Line takes a brief vacation, we like to offer what we call our Gratitude Series — we get some writers we love to share a story of something they’re happy about or grateful for from the past year. It’s a nice corrective to the usual doom-and-gloom. But, as we take a week off to start the summer, to hell with that — for your enjoyment, we’re leaning the opposite way: It’s The Line’s first Minor Irritants Week. Feel our pain. Share our pain. And never fear — The Line will be back next week.

By: Jen Gerson

I will admit right off the bat that I struggled with the idea of this "minor irritants" series. Yes, I recognize that we all need to blow off steam about issues that we know are not, well, major. It's just that whenever I look at these kinds of things, I can't help but ponder at how lucky and privileged we have to be to languish in the ability to devote time, bandwidth, and digital page space to issues that are, by their definition, merely minor and irritating. On the whole, my life is pretty good and I'm really doing my best to cultivate a sense of gratitude and joy about it.

That said, Matt's instincts as an editor are rarely wrong. Gratitude and joy make for shit writing. "Screwball fury" is really more the energy that people are looking for from me, and as I live to serve. So, I sat down and did my very best to meditate on the things that I dislike most about modern living. In short order, I found not one thing, but a whole list of them. Would I take these things over periodic starvation, watching my child die of a preventable disease, and high maternal mortality? Why yes, of course. But I don't have to worry about any of that, so gather ye round the festivus pole, fellow first world problem havers, and let's begin.

Cheap Flights

Yes, I do enjoy being able to travel to new cities at a (near) whim, thank you. And I do appreciate capitalistic imperatives. But, my God, sometimes I think our airlines are actually trying to make the experience of flying worse than it has to be on purpose. Some of the things they do go way beyond penny pinching; only a genuine bent toward psychological sadism explains some of this shit.

I recently booked a flight on Expedia, for example. In order to get the best deal, the online travel broker broke up my flight legs: Air Canada south, WestJet north. While trying to check in on my return flight, I discovered that the trip was considered extra super economy — which meant I could no longer take a carry-on bag on the flight, just a personal item like a purse. Of course, I had a bag for clothes, so I agreed to pay the $55 for the carry on, only to discover that this would have to be a checked bag. Even after paying, I wouldn't be allowed to take it on the flight.

Ok, I hate you a little bit more now, but fine.

Then I discovered that WestJet was really leaning into capitalistic psyops with its boarding zoning mechanism. Please remember that there is absolutely no reason for airlines to force customers to board by Zone. Nerds have literally done research on this point: the fastest and most efficient method of boarding is actually either random boarding, or boarding by seat type (ie; window, middle, aisle) or some combination of both processes. There is only one reason airlines introduced "Zones," and that's to make passengers pay more money in exchange for the perception of status.

So imagine my extraordinary eye roll when I checked my boarding pass to discover that I was seated in "Zone 9." Even though there was no Zone 5, 6, 7 or 8. Yes, that's right: it went Zone 1, 2, 3, 4 and then Zone 9. They used the last possible single digit to make the poors really feel it.

No marginal return is worth that level of evil, WestJet.

Cleaning Pods

Ever since the widespread adoption of water-soluble plastics, we've been lulled into the delusion that single use cleaning pods are more convenient ways to parcel out detergent. They're not. These things are dumb. They're a gimmick chemical companies are using to standardize portion sizes while jacking up the per-unit cost of soap.

Depending on whether you can get it on sale, one of those dishwasher pods cost about $.20 per load. A 2.72L tub of Cascade dishwasher soap will run you $12 at Canadian Tire and there's enough in there for approximately 181 loads, meaning each slightly less convenient load is running you $.06 per wash. We're not even getting into generic brand products, here, and that's just wildly cheaper.

I admit laundry detergent pods have some advantages, but the water-soluble plastics that hold the ultra-concentrated soaps never seem to fully dissolve and sometimes get stuck on clothes. I gave up on these when I found myself pre-melting the pods in a container of water before I threw it in the wash.

Join me in this crusade. The more of us who refuse the lure of the cleaning pod, the less likely it is that these companies will be able to stop supplying us with the much cheaper bulk alternatives.

Mayonnaise

The problem with harmful cultural stereotypes about ethnic groups is that sometimes they're a little true. Yes, I actually do like spicy food, but I'm sure every white person ordering the Szechuan hot pot says that and the kitchen can only handle so many send backs.

Look, there’s no kind way to say this: White people do put mayonnaise on too much and as a white person who hates — hates — mayonnaise, this problem dogs my life every single day.

I have to ask if there is this godawful tasteless muck on everything I order, at which point, some poor waitress has to look at me with pity and ask if I have a terrible food allergy. I don't. Mayonnaise is just bad and I can't stand it.

Sometimes I'll get a "well, there's no mayonnaise, but we do have an aioli" which is just a fancy fucking word for mayonnaise. "It's just a house sauce made with oil, eggs, and a touch of lemon" — it's mayonnaise, you fool!

Oh, and I don't like Ranch, either. Mayonnaise with flavour is also off the list.

I'm 41 years old and I am not giving in on this personality flaw. I hate mayonnaise. I won't eat it. I'm not going to change. I beg you all to consider another condiment. Any other condiment. There are many!

Air fryers

They’re glorified toaster ovens. I will die on this hill.

Mornings

Not all of us are built to function before 8 a.m. One's propensity to be a "morning person" or a "night person" is now shown to be biologically predetermined. For most of us, an inner clock can be overridden, but it can't be reset.

The 9-5 workday is a tyranny that acts as a form of soft prejudice against those people who are biologically coded to function better at night. We must break society's innate preference for "morning people." Early birds get the worm if the worms emerge only at dawn. Just because someone gets up at 5 a.m. to do a morning run before starting work at 6 doesn't inherently mean he or she is more productive or competent. All this behaviour indicates is that the individual is coded to rise earlier — imputing some kind of moral virtue to any of this is absolute folly.

Over Packaging

Whether you are for a carbon tax or against; wish to abolish the plastic straw, or cheer at the sight of every sea turtle choking; left and right, liberal and conservative, we can all agree that our shit doesn't actually need to be this well packaged.

I don't need my kid's hot wheels to be ensconced in an airtight sarcophagus of medium grade plastic. I'm not actually concerned about preserving my kitchen widget for future generations to uncover. The bullshit from Amazon does not need to be covered in bubble wrap, packing tape, and multiple cardboard boxes. If the item is non-perishable and still requires scissors to open, it's probably overpackaged. No consumer item is actually that precious.

The Weather

The only reason to suffer a Canadian winter is to enjoy a Canadian summer. But, lately, we're getting it from both ends. Our winters are only mildly less bitter, and our summers are now plagued by heat waves, high humidity, and wildfire smoke. We risk becoming a nation of mole people if this keeps up. While I'd now rather spend my summers in Calgary than just about anywhere else, I'm increasingly starting to understand the appeal of dual citizenship.

But then, nothing marks me more clearly as an unreformed Canadian than the fact that I ended this piece with a gripe about the weather. So perhaps I am doomed in this regard.

---

The Line is entirely reader and advertiser funded — no federal subsidy for us! If you value our work, have already subscribed, and still worry about what will happen when the conventional media finishes collapsing, please make a donation today.

---

The Line is Canada’s last, best hope for irreverent commentary. We reject bullshit. We love lively writing. Please consider supporting us by subscribing. Please follow us on social media! Facebook x 2: On The Line Podcast here, and The Line Podcast here. Instagram. Also: TikTok. BlueSky. LinkedIn. Matt’s Twitter. The Line’s Twitter.Jen’s Twitter. Contact us by email: lineeditor@protonmail.com.